The Pesto Matrix: Infuriating the Italians since 2023

Recipe text

What would you say if we told you you’re less than 60-seconds away from creating a pesto from over 37,620,000 possible combinations?

(No swearing please, you’re live on TV)

Let’s make some pesto!

First, let’s choose a green.

We don’t want to give you stage-fright, but choosing your ideal herb or vegetable is rather important when making pesto, so don’t embarrass yourself at the first hurdle.

Ooh, great choice, maestro.

#ingredient_isare particularly good when paired with #pairing, but at school we used to eat chalk, so feel free to ignore us.

Nice one, noodlehead.

In your shoes we’d probably pair #ingredientlc with #pairing, but do whatever you want, as per usual.

[#ifnuts A fine selection, clever clogs.

#ingredient can be paired with pretty much any oil. We’d probably go with #pairing, but we’re not the boss of you.][#ifnonuts Cracking choice, nutcase.

In your shoes we’d probably play it safe and just choose rapeseed oil, but maybe you put us to shame in the hedonism stakes.]

Nearly there buddy, hold your nerve.

If you’re planning any swipe-rights tonight then skip this step, shower, change the bedsheets, clear your cache and brush your teeth.

If you’re too old for all that, fill your boots and let’s kill some vampires.

We like your style, champ.

Salt is bad for you, so why are no chefs (not even the naked one, the bald one, the sweary one or the Padstow one) campaigning to reduce it?

Because it’s so freaking tasty, that’s why.

You’ve smashed his, comrade.

Last one. Acidity can really make pesto sing. We’re sour enough without it, but you seem like a nice person so fill your boots.

And here it is! Your very own pesto that no-one on this crazy planet has ever tasted before.


#green[#adjust_green 75]g
#cheese[#adjust_cheese 40]g
#nut[#ifnuts 25g]
#oil[#adjust_oil 80]g


In an ideal world you’d make pesto in a pestle and mortar, but let’s be honest, you’ve got better things to do, like pretending how great your life is on Facebook.

[#ifblanch If you can be bothered, blanching #greenlc can help to retain #itstheir vibrant colour for longer, but if you’re planning to eat your creation straightaway then screw it.]

Roughly chop the #greenlc#cheeseprep the #cheeselc and add to a food processor[#ifnuts along with the #nutlc]. Puree the ingredients to a smooth paste if that’s your thing, or leave it slightly chunky if you want to pretend you’ve got a touch of class beneath that insipid exterior.

Transfer to a bowl and drizzle in the #oillc.

[#ifextras We don’t want to inadvertently poison you with #extrasthesaurus, so add the #extras incrementally, tasting regularly. Stop when the sauce is seasoned to your liking.]

Stir your pesto through a piping hot bowl of pasta and apply to face.

[#recipelink Your recipe has been saved here] so you can bookmark it for a rainy day.

Don’t be shy

Take a photo of your creation, give us a shout-out on your socials and we’ll return the favour.

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